Power of No

I have been thinking about the power of no.  Been on my mind all week.  So, I googled it.  I love when  nouns become verbs...

I was thinking about little children- 3-4 years old.  What is the response when a little boy says  no.  How do the adults around respond?  what messages do they give that child?  Now think about when a little girl says no. How to the adults react?  

Often in life, just saying yes can open up an entire new world to us. Definitely.

Being a people pleaser can be easier in the short term.  Be agreeable and going along.  Learning balance and listening to your inner truth.  Sometimes my truth is hard to come to; sometimes 'the easier softer way' is my truth.  But, that is ok.  It is NOT ok to base my decisions on it.  And, at times, I do.

One struggle for me, "it's easier if I do it myself".   Self centeredness. 

Psychotherapy- what it is good for?

Someone I respect a great deal recently told me that he thought psychotherapy was mostly bull[pucky].  That therapists all used the similar obtuse non sensical language (no single meaning for the word boundaries or self care, or co dependency or depression) language and that it was very unscientific, and pretty much useless.  I have to admit, I agree with this in many ways.

I think we have sold ourselves as the solution to everything from relationship problems, to trauma, to depression, to child rearing. Problem is-  first we were very good at selling this myth, and second- that it is simply bullpucky.  And, psychotherapy is NOT good, and this is backed by most all good outcome studies, at helping folks with a substance use disorder- stop using, and to stay stopped. 

Another problem is that there are no standards for outcomes.  And, when there is- say in depression or substance use (decreased depressive sx, or stopping use) if the treatment does not 'work' the patient is always to blame.  And frankly, it does not work more than it does.  How do you charge for something that rarely works?  A therapist will say- I charge for my time and skills, not for outcomes.  Sort of like your stock broker.  It's risky investment.  Strange profession.

Maybe we should say- people get better, not well! Better than what?  Than when they came in.  It's advice, take it or leave it?  We are simply not honest about what we can and cannot do.  Especially in regards to substance use disorders.  Individual psychotherapy is NOT EFFECTIVE at treating substance use disorders.  Some individual treatment can augment and improve outcomes when added to 12 step and groups treatments.  And there are now a number of effective medical interventions that help a great deal.  

So, we are left w two questions:  What works for the individual with a substance use problem, and second- what IS psychotherapy good for?  

I'll tell you my thoughts in the next week or so...

Rigorous Honesty

I did not realize, when first read this line, that it meant that I had to learn to be more honest with myself.  That it meant learning how to dig deeper, to peal away the layers of lies I have told myself and my loves.  I had long lost that skin that separates you from me. I lost myself long ago.  I could reframe, deny or simply ignore what stared me straight in the face every day.

I really thought that it meant that I had to not lie to you. I could do that, when I needed to.  I knew when I lied, just figured it was none of your business. Lying to others is really not that big a problem. It is lying to myself that is the problem.

So, here are a few things I have learned along the way. These are what I believe are the basics to recovery.  Recovery from mental illness and recovery from dependency. Most of it I have learned through the grace of my wonderful, courageous and generous patients.  And, some of it I earned from my own pain and egregious ego, and from those few moments of enlightenment.

Co Dependency

Never do for the person in recovery, what she can do for herself.